Resentment. What is it? What is it useful for? Is it useful at all? 

I wrote this last year and I’ve come pretty far with it – so I thought I’d share it in the hope it might be helpful to someone else.

I consider myself to be a somewhat enlightened person, yet… I have so much resentment.  I’ve recently decided that I really need to get rid of it, but I have no idea how.  I think at some point it was a defense mechanism, but it’s no longer serving me. So now what? 

If I’m to break it down, I would think that it stems from my lack of self worth.  Who installed that? What did it serve?  Well, we’d have to start with my parents. They resented me and I, in turn, resented them. I find myself, to this day, having conversations in my head that center around defending myself and my existence, to them. Obviously no longer serving me. 

Bring it to my current life.  When other people succeed, I celebrate them and I’m truly happy for them… well, most of them.  There are a few that I don’t celebrate at all – and, To A Person, they are people who have, in some way, made me feel that I didn’t “belong”.  Thoughtless comments made to me, that I’m sure they don’t even recall.  It could even be my own perception that has no basis in reality.

So what do I do?

How do I end this? How do I create a space for myself where I don’t harbor resentment.  I truly want that.  Is it maybe removing the people who have made me feel “less than”?  Or could I, in fact, create a reality where I honor my own worthiness, not dependant upon anyone else’s thoughts, opinions, words, or actions?  I just don’t know where to start. 

Twelve step programs teach us that we always play a role in our resentments. So, what did I do, what part did I play to cause resentments. 

So, who do I resent? 
(If you’re playing along, make your list)

What do they all have in common?  One of two things:

1. They seem to have under appreciated me. It’s all ego, I know that.  I know it with every fiber of my being. So in effect, this is all about me and building my own self confidence, so that I may shrug off whatever slight, real or imagined has thrown me for a loop. 
2. They are in abundance of something that I’m lacking in – self confidence, comfortability in their own skin, etc.

It may appear to some, that I need to be taken down a notch, I get that. The fact is however, that couldn’t be further from the truth.  I don’t have unshakable self confidence, and I’m working on cultivating more. 

Ok, so how do I do that? How do I ignore a half century of crippling self doubt? When do I feel best about myself? When I’m doing the best that I can, living well, when I’m taking better care of myself, practicing music, writing, yoga, and self care (mental and physical, on a daily basis. 

So. that’s where I end up. I’m already on the right path. Already heading toward the goal of self confidence, self esteem, and lack of resentment. 

How about you? Are you struggling with letting go of resentment?

Let me know.