Revenge Bedtime Procrastination

I have something called Revenge Bedtime Procrastination. Basically it’s the idea that not having much time to yourself during the day, you tend to stay up later, to have time for yourself, rather than getting the necessary sleep that’s so important for your well being.

My Revenge Bedtime Procrastination started very early in my life. My caregiver, was very controlling and in order to fill up my day, I had a chore list a mile long. Every day. Forty Five years later, friends and family still talk about it. When I wasn’t doing those chores, I still wasn’t safe. A mood swing, a misplaced word, a look on my face, could send her off the deep end. My days were difficult to say the least.

Once everyone was asleep however, my time was my own, reading or watching TV late into the night. I had to be careful to keep the television super low, because if she woke up there would be more screaming and more punishment. I learned to be stealth in the night in order to enjoy my safe time.

Fast forward ten years, I decided that I wanted to be a bartender. We worked until 4AM, then met people for after hours clubbing, going to the diner, or just socializing at someone’s house. We were all on that schedule and then we’d do it all over again the next day. Sometimes I slept until 4 or 5 PM, get up, shower, eat and go to work. It was not very healthy.

When my marriage started falling apart, and I had small children, once I put them to bed, I would eagerly await his inevitable passing out so that I could have time to myself. This became yet another unhealthy situation, which went on for two decades.

So What About Now?

I still have Revenge Bedtime Procrastination, but I have no reason for it. My days are my own. I do my work as necessary, but have plenty of time to pursue my own pleasures, yet… I’m still staying up way too late and creating a situation where I wake up later than I would like. Then, I have less hours to take care of all the things I want to do in a day. Just shifting the hours doesn’t really work, I have a partner to think of and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to be doing chores at 10PM. Additionally, my sleep app tells me that my sleeping is not optimum.

So What’s My Point?

I’ve been so focused on trying to force myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour, that I’m triggering the response that I’m not trying to achieve.. I’m putting so much focus on what I DON’T WANT, that I’m just creating more of that.

Hmmm. So now what?

So now, I’m going to attempt to just go with it. Whatever happens, happens. No guilt for staying up late. Trying to listen to what my body wants. Forcing, clearly isn’t working.

So tell me, are you trying to force something into being? How could you allow it to flow instead?