What are emotional boundaries? To put it succinctly, it’s protecting your emotions from those who might wish to use them for their own own well being. You know the type. They’re the people who want to make your situation about themselves. Unfortunately there are a lot of ways that people can do this and it’s hard to put your finger on it, because they ALWAYS say that they’re supporting you with these actions.

An Example:

I suffered a tremendous loss a couple of years ago. There was one “friend” who tried to corner me to “comfort me”. In reality, it was her shit and I made it very clear that I wasn’t going to do what she wanted. At first I just tried to ignore her and avoid her, but when it was clear that wasn’t going to deter her, I told her that I wasn’t going to engage. A few months later, she tried, in another way, to take up my time and attention – more than a few times. When I asked her to stop, she informed me that I was being unwelcoming and that it wasn’t the first time. She blocked me on social media and I was ok with that. I’ve seen her a few times in social settings and she completely ignores me. I don’t mind.

Another way that someone might manipulate your experience to suit them is the “I have it so much worse than you” people. No matter what you’re going through, or dealing with – they have been there, they had it worse (whatever it is) and then they monopolize the conversation with their own experience, not giving you the time or space to unpack your emotions.

Let’s Be Clear

I’m not talking about a give and take. In all healthy relationships there is a balance. Sometimes it’s about you, sometimes it’s about them. I’m talking about the person who rarely gives you the space or time to express your emotions about whatever situation you’re feeling emotional about.

SO What Can You DO?

Short answer? Boundaries. I know that sometimes this can be difficult, especially if you have a “people pleasing” tendency. I would encourage you to explore this and try to figure out why you feel like it’s your responsibility to make everyone else comfortable (but that’s an entirely different topic). Sometimes it’s harder than that, especially if you’re not used to doing it. You could start with a comment like, “you know what? I thought I was ready to talk about this, but I’m not.”, or “I’d like to shelve this conversation until I figure out how I actually feel about this.” As you flex that boundary muscle, you will be more and more comfortable around creating boundaries. Practice may not make perfect, but it certainly makes better.

How Are Your Emotional Boundaries?

Where would you say you are? Comfortable setting emotional boundaries? Not so comfortable? Working on it? Remember, you don’t owe anyone your grief, your sadness, your frustration, your hurt. Do your best to make sure you have safe space to share. If you don’t – remember who couldn’t give that to you and move forward accordingly.