It seems that everyone is talking about shame lately. What it is, where it comes from and how to deal with it.  Whether it’s from childhood, a shame that you’ve carried for decades, a situation where you were the victim, yet somehow have taken on the shame as if it was your fault that you were victimized, or our “dirty little secrets” – we all have suffered with shame at some point.  The big question is how do I get rid of it?  How do I move through it? What does it look and feel like when I’m breaking free of shame. Simply Google it and you’ll see how much conversation there is around it.

Good Questions

I see so many women, especially those in their 20s who are approaching this with a very strong stance; they’re angry and why shouldn’t they be?  They’re the products of generation after generation of women dealing with shame – and what happens when they voice this strong stance?  So many other people attempt to shame them once again – calling them names (feminazi, anyone?),  making remarks about their sexuality (are we really still worried about other people’s sexuality?), really just attempting to shame them for refusing to be ashamed.  Messed up, right? 

When someone is shaming us, they are trying to keep us “in our place”.  Shame is a very effective method for doing just that.  After many times being shamed, we start to be afraid to act on anything.  Very effective way of keeping us in our “place”, don’t you think?  And think of just how prevalent this is in our society… From parenting, to education, the work place, it’s everywhere.

So What Can We Do?

Well, here’s the good news.  So many of us are already doing it.  The first step is that as women we need to make some commitments to ourselves and to one another.  Here’s what I propose, I’m willing to make certain vows and I hope you’ll join me.

They are as follows:

• I vow to forgive myself for the things that I am not proud of.  I recognize that I’m human and make mistakes, falling short of my best many, many times.  I vow that, moving forward I will do the best that I can at any given moment and acknowledge that “the best I can, right now”, might suck.
• I vow to never make another woman feel that her choices are inferior to mine – we all have our own paths and tearing each other down for following a different path than our own, serves only those that benefit from keeping us “in our place”.
• I vow to always inquire when I see another woman, or anyone in a vulnerable position, struggling with or against someone else.  We’ve all heard stories about someone seeing a fight and walking past – even if you call the police and stay at a safe distance, that is sometimes more than enough.  If we’re all looking out for each other, who can harm us?
• I vow to offer my time, whether in person, or online. Sometimes just an open heart to listen to another is exactly the help that is needed.  If you see someone struggling with something, acting out for attention, or just sounding down – reach out.
• I vow to get involved in my local community. Donate your old clothes to a women’s shelter, your old phones to a domestic violence organization, food to a food bank.  Sometimes the greatest shame one can feel is the inability to take care of ones self and family.  We live in very unstable economic times, there aren’t many of us who haven’t felt the pinch.  If you have nothing to donate, donate your time.  Again, if we’re all looking out for one another…
• I vow to set the best example I can for my children and anyone else who might be watching.  Sometimes I’ll be great at this, sometimes I’ll suck – but every day, I will try to model the person who is doing the best that they possibly can while not beating themselves up for what they aren’t capable of right this minute.

Then What?

Dialogue.  Get very proactive about checking yourself when you find that you’re judging someone else for their actions and really ask yourself: “Do I see an injustice here, truly?  Or am I projecting my belief system/politics/whatever on to someone else?”  Only you know the truth.

Talk to other people about this.   Try to remember that if they have resistance to what you’re talking about that there may be tons of their own shame, or being shamed resisting what you’re saying.

So, what will breaking free of shame feel like? I believe it’s a feeling of lightness, of leaving that particular burden behind. And if we can all be there for one another, we can make quick work of this. But that’s what it’s about. It’s about the community that we can create to help one another rise above this and remove the acceptance of shaming from our reality. If we all commit to this, to the non acceptance of the shaming that is attempted, again, who can hurt us? I’ll love you back to your perfect place and I hope that you’ll do the same for me.

And if you want to get angry about how much time we’ve wasted being ashamed?  Go ahead, I certainly won’t shame you.

Photo Credit: Anthony Easton