*Warning:  Intense Language Ahead*

Whoa.

The energy flying around lately has been nothing but intense.  Revelations, betrayals, truths, lies, flat out fucking crazy. But within each circumstance, there is a seed, a kernel of the truth that needs to be revealed in order to heal, to grow, to move forward.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom

-Anaïs Nin

I am, once again, flabbergasted by how everything is so interconnected.  If I’m willing to step back, examine the players, the part that I’m playing, and to seek, honestly seek, the lesson within, it’s shocking.  The truth is, the lessons will be presented to you, over and over, until you learn them.  Hopefully, I’ve learned them this time and some of these won’t need to be repeated. But the big lesson this season has been to stop fearing visibility.  To be completely transparent, raw, completely fucking vulnerable.  It’s what other people need to see, it’s how I can best serve, I believe.

You see, part of me has this fear.  The fear that if you see me, really see me, you won’t like me.  Not just you, everyone. But the fact is, my truths are my story, and my story is how I may best serve.  Because, if I’ve come through this muck and mire and emerged into the light, I can help those who come after me, just like those who went before, helped me.  And I’ve always thought that if people saw how broken I was, how fearful I can be, they would think I was a fraud.  I’m a crazy combination of raw, scared, little girl, vulnerability, all tangled up with this fierce mama bear, warrior goddess and it’s confusing to me, so how could anyone else possibly understand it?

But you know what?

My deepest fears came to light.

Things were said about me that were so horrible, I was accused of trying to literally ruin lives. And it was very public and it was very untrue.  And you know what? I’m still standing. The truth eventually comes to light and it’s still being exposed, but the lesson is most very definitely that if I can survive people whom I thought were friends… no… more than friends, I thought they were my tribe and if I can come through that, then my truth won’t be a problem.

So Why Me?

Man, I have struggled with that.  Why me? And people I trust have told me over and over, it’s because I won’t accept the bullshit, that I won’t allow others to abuse me, to abuse my kindness, to abuse my truth.  And when toxic people learn that they can’t control you, they will, inevitably try to control what others think of you.  At first I was devastated.  Devastated.  But then I started to realize that those who were willing to believe these things about me, weren’t people I wanted in my life anyway. So I wish them all well and move on. That’s all we can do.  It’s funny, as I started to really think about the situation, I realized that this has been a very common theme in my life.  From family, to friends, why do I attract this?

Well, I think I hadn’t learned the lesson;  truly learned it, made it a part of my existence.

And now?

I’m not afraid, any longer. I will let you see me, I will reveal myself.  I’m a broken, wounded child, who is in the process of healing.

As are we all. 

And I believe that seeing this betrayal as a blessing proves that I have finally learned this lesson.

How about you?  Have a story to share with me?

Wait till next week, when I share about money blocks and the revelations I’ve had with them… whew!

Thanks for reading this.

*Photo Credit: Michael MK Kohr