We’ve all been there. I should have, I shouldn’t have, what if I had?, What if I’d never? You could go on and on.  Mistakes are part of everyone’s life and there’s no getting around them, now and again – but to me the worst thing about making a mistake, is not learning from it.

There are times in everyone’s life, where we trust someone, or believe something, only to find out that we never should have gone there.  But is that really the case? If you get divorced, do you think, “I never should have married him/her”?  What if there are children involved?  Would you have skipped the marriage knowing it wouldn’t end well even if you knew you’d miss out on the children that you had?

This has been an incredible couple of years for me, but the last 8 months, especially.  People have shown up in my life in a big way – I’ve been surprised by the relationships that I have, but even more surprising to me are the ones that I don’t have any longer.  I’m not sorry that I spent time with those people, or participated in those situations or events – as a matter of fact, I can’t think of one that I didn’t learn a valuable lesson from.

But it hurts, doesn’t it?

Trusting someone and finding out that they did not deserve your trust, is a tough thing. I have had that happen at least a dozen times in the last eight months.  In the processing, I have had to ask myself, “what part did I play?”, because you know we always play a part, right?  And I’m a big believer in “Everywhere I go, there I am”. So, I had to ask myself, how did I contribute to this situation? How did I contribute to the relationship, and how did I contribute to its demise?  The answers weren’t always easy, they weren’t always neat and well packaged, but necessary if we’re going to learn from it.

I had a conversation with a friend, recently – who made an excellent point about doing for others and our motivations.  Am I giving care, assistance, love, whatever to this person, organization, situation for the sheer act of giving, or am I placing expectations on the situation?  Expectations that the other party isn’t even aware of.  For instance:  A friend is sick. You bring them food, medicine, home made soup for god’s sake(!), you sit with them, you tuck them in, you tidy up their house. Are you doing this because you truly want to do this for them, or are you looking for something in return?  Do you expect them to tell everyone how helpful you were?  Do you expect them to love you more, because you did this?  Do you expect them to treat you differently, or even do the same for you when you’re sick?  If those things ring true, you’re bound to be disappointed.  Especially because the other party doesn’t even know what’s expected of them.

Instead, if you do this for the sheer joy of giving, expecting nothing in return, the satisfaction of giving, the joy of making someone else’s burden a little bit lighter, is truly all the reward you need. We talk about detaching from the outcome, all the time.  This, more than ever, is where you should be detaching.  When we can find the joy in the giving itself – that’s where we truly shine.  And truly, it’s not hard – we’re just so conditioned in this society for retribution – “I’ll do for you, if you do for me”, “I’ll scratch your back, you scratch mine”.  That’s not to say you should be a door mat – and if you find that you’re giving to someone who never gives back, then it’s time to look at that relationship and decide for yourself whether it’s worth it

Another scenario that I’ve seen so much of lately, is that sometimes people like you just the way you are – even if you’re not happy with that.  When you change your situation, they’re not as interested in being around you and that’s ok too.  For whatever reason, the dynamics no longer work for them, and maybe not for you either. Was it a mistake?  Usually I find it wasn’t – one or the other, or both parties got what they needed at a particular time and then it’s time to move on.  That’s ok, too.

So, back to the question… Are mistakes necessary?  Yes.  But I’m not even sure we should call them mistakes – they’re life lessons and they’re found in every relationship.  Every single one.